Reflecting on lots of things, setting my priorities straight, need peer opinions

Anyone who takes the time to read all of this, thank you :D

Preface:
Hello everyone. :)
Over the last hour or two I've been thinking about the current state of my life and my relationships with other human beings...also my hobbies/interests/family/education/personal health. In this post, I'm going to lay out a lot of my life, anyone who reads it will know me as well as my closest friends. I picked this subforum to post this thread, because much of my time on XS relates to my hobby of overclocking, and I talk to you guys more than anyone here on the forum...

My whole life is a mess right now, and while I don't find myself addicted to things, like drugs or criminal activity, my life is a huge mess right now and I need the help of other people in life to get me through it.

Preface (cont.)...

Consider this thread like an episode of "Intervention" on A&E, those in the USA. I'm gonna try to piece together a lot of my life and make a plan to fix it. I guess I'm looking for moral support too to help me along. Some of the things I will say in this post may be disturbing to some people, some other things, people might wonder why I'm so open about, or people may question why I do certain things...other things, I have said already before...anyway, here goes...

I often spend time reflecting on a lot of things in my life, and I've had to, because I've not been able to move forward without doing so...and sometimes I relapse and have to reflect on things all over ahead and make new plans because I keep falling into traps that my life has set up for me to fall into.

About me:
I grew up in an abusive childhood, my parents were extremely rough on me and I always had straight A's on my report card (grew up a perfectionist, because anything less wasn't enough) until I hit high school. I grew up in a dysfunctional household- my mother is a korean immigrant (been here 20 years), my dad has been a police officer for 15 years, he also grew up in a dysfunctional household.

All my life, my mom has had major depression. She also brought with here to the United States some really high moral values and standards for a family within the household...some of which I didn't completely understand as a young child. (ages 3-13)...I was often screamed at, spanked, even though I was one of those children that were generally calm and cohesive, I was as happy as could be when my parents/grandparents were ever proud of me, I was overjoyed to do simple things like go on vacation, go to the park, doing activities. All my life I've been a sensitive child, and I'd often let things go...things that would bother me, I was taught by my abuse to bottle them up, to keep a smile on my face, to not show that it bothered me...

Thing is, my dad never really did do any of those things with me, nor my mom, which to this day doesn't have a driver's license, even...my grandparents did most of the activities with me, taking me places and doing family activities...

I often felt horrid as a child when I would get spanked. My parents went really overboard with things...I saw a belt a few times and also a curtain rod...I'd be punished until I hyperventilated, until I'd pass out, fall down from dysphoria...I'd sit in the "fetal position" for hours on my room, go through a box of tissues, think about things my military father would shout at me...and all of these issues stemmed from simple things like me spilling some juice on the carpet...they never really did much to give back either, I always asked to do family activities together but it was always "I don't feel good" or "You got a B on the report card"...do better first or "Maybe you should listen when we tell you to do something first"...or "not with the attitude you had yesterday"...

I remember being five years old, my dad in a drill instructor's voice: "QUIT BEING A BABY! QUIT CRYING! YOU WANNA BE SPANKED MORE, YOU WANT ME TO TAKE MORE AWAY???"...

...that kinda thing.

I always wanted to live up to their standards- my brother, was born in August of 1999, he is 13 now...he was a much louder child when he was small, he would act out much more violently and throw tantrums...

I'm sure, since you see how my parents reacted to me spilling some juice, you wouldn't want to know how they reacted to him... I often stuck up for him because I was then the outside eyes...I didn't think he deserved the abuse either...eventually I got some of it to stop, they were more reasonable with him and talked with him first...but since he was a rougher kid, he did need some of that- only after he got some chances to behave first...

So I took more of the force. Then, when I got older, I started becoming more independent, like every teenage child does...this wasn't okay with my parents, they took it all as defiance, as disrespect, as me being absolutely horrible...despite my whole life up until then, I was getting perfect grades in school,...and when I got a B on a report card or something, I was spanked, or I was put down...or I would put myself down and cry because I was afraid of what would happen...

On top of it, my brother was getting older, and acting out more...inappropriately, not just developing his own interests/activities...more like him not getting what he wanted all the time...and my parents wouldn't do anything about it. They decided that if talking to him calmly wouldn't help, nothing would, and eventually didn't even talk to him about it, just enabled his behavior. He now controls our household, and is the source of much conflict between myself and my parents.

Eventually my dad too would tell me more that I wasn't good enough, I would start talking back to him...my mom too...they would put me down because I "was better than that" or "I wasn't trying", as if previously, all the stuff came naturally. I felt like I wasn't good enough, and this was in the midst of me picking up new hobbies and exploring new things - photography and technology...

I would take pictures that my friends thought were amazing, I would do things that amazed my teachers, everybody was amazed at what I had picked up and all of that...My parents would never say a thing...they only focused on if I was getting straight A's anymore, or if I shut up when they told me I was worthless and that I needed to do better...I wasn't allowed to bring up "but..." in conversation, it was disrespectful. I would play a trumpet solo at my school concert and my parents wouldn't tell me they were proud of me...we would just come home and things would be silent...and when I got upset later on they thought I was stupid or something for assuming they weren't, because somehow it was obvious that they were...

I built a computer at age 11 for the family...and my dad was proud of me for a few seconds, but at the end of the sentence was "but I spent $1,500 too, it's not like you worked for it, what would you do if I didn't go to work everyday"...then my mom would scream at me about how I waste all the money...


Why this thread exists
For a few weeks now, and somewhat, over the last few years, I've been trying to piece my life together, and trying to make a plan here to start enjoying life more and succeeding in my goals instead of worrying more and more and not getting anything done anywhere. All of the things in my life, the overclocking, the hardware, my involvement in this forum...my grades in school, my personal health, migraines, lack of sleep, my life at home...my expectations of things related to overclocking, the way I interact with some people here, they are all related.

My goal over the next few weeks is to sort it all out and understand it better, to understand myself better and be able to move forward instead of getting caught up in it all and becoming what I said a thousand times I didn't want to be...

Hopefully I can get some help in doing so...
I've found that going to psychologists or psychiatrists, they are quick to say "you look depressed, you might want medication", or "you can't change the environment, but you can change how you react, you react wrong"..."so start feeling differently"...but it isn't that simple...

reserved...

Reserved....

Well bro..... i'll listen, even if no-one else does :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by K404

Well bro..... i'll listen, even if no-one else does :)

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Thanks :)
I added some in the second post. I could write a book about all the stuff. :( There's just so much to it...

Two things:

1. When you're young, the risk/reward equation skews reward. Reward is inversely proportional to age because the older you get, :banana::banana::banana::banana: just don't matter.
2. Never, ever worry or dwell on what other people think of you.

Two more things:

1. Read "The Tao of Pooh"
2. Read "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"

And remember, straight lines are for people in hurry.

Thanks noee :)

All my life, I've grown in an environment where those that I wanted to care the most/think the best of me never did, so I think I find myself seeking it in other places...when I shouldn't be. I suppose I should quit thinking about what others think of me too, but not completely- I'd rather be kind to others and have them see that in me than care too much about them seeing what I accomplish or don't...I don't think I'll ever quit caring/worrying/dwelling on it unfortunately, but at least I know if I'm kind and they don't give it back, that it wasn't my fault and I can move on.

I feel like being a "d-bag" and proving worth by previous accomplishment or over previous experience is just wrong though, and I think I've been being a "d-bag" lately. I should approach it as "Not everybody knows what you do, be humble and kind" before ever becoming that "d-bag"


I will try to read those. :) At first glance they seem interesting/apply to my situation and I'll make sure to keep everything you've said in mind.

tl; r ;)

It's late already, I've been very busy during the last weeks... Tomorrow is a public holiday, I'll write more then. :)